my 1 follower

I have 1 follower. 1 person who has actively said they will follow my blog. I know who she is and I love her big style.

This is cool with me. Don't really want TONS of people following me around. That would be a bit creepy. I just like that I have 1 person that might check up on me sometimes if they have a spare few minutes. I don't even know if my husband knows I do this. I have told him a few times, but as he says:

'Did you ring the bell? How do I know what to pay attention to if you don't ring the bell?'

That is basically his way of saying that I talk too much and he would be happy to remember important stuff, but I have to indicate that it is important.

Anyway, my 1 follower. Feels kind of like Jesus in the early days, before he became like the Elvis of 'long long time ago'. Not that I am expecting to wake up one day and have a religious following. Not at all. Think I will just keep my 1, because that way, it isn't too much to keep up with.

When you have 1 kid, you think...this is great, we should have more of these! And then you do. And then you and your other half end up having coctails at the end of the night and thinking fondly back to when it was just you and the 1 small person and how easy that was. You wouldn't change the way it is now, but you affectionately remember those days before you got greedy for more.

I think that is why I like having just 1 follower. When I write, it is kind of for her. She is the one that has encouraged me to do this anyway, so maybe it can kind of be like a secret club. Just me scribbling down things when something funny happens and her reading them when she has time.
And my husband vaguely aware that his wife is tapping away at the keyboard but not remembering why.

rodent death

So Giles, the cat, just came in through the cat flap that we have duct taped to the window in the bed room. Another DIY success story for the Endres family.
Giles has starting making noises in the kitchen. I can see him from here...and the more I look at what he is doing, the more I know it is crunchy and has a tail.

Why do I feed this animal?

I will save you the visual.

Good news is that he just sauntered off, leaving the 'gross' but behind. It is ALL gross as far as I can tell but he seems to like some bits and others he deems not worthy of digestion.
Thank God Alex is almost home, hopefully he will take are of it. If not, I am just going to sit at this table and wait for the cleaner on Monday.

Insomnia and the aftermath

So, you know when you can’t sleep and you just lay in bed and you are SO tired and so you try to listen to really boring podcasts and lay really still which makes you even more twitchy and ultimately you feel like there are bugs in the bed so you get up and take ½ a xanex with a glass of wine, or two and watch TV until it all kicks in? Well, that was me last night…and then I got to work this morning (by the grace of God) only to discover that my boss was asking me hard questions in a Department wide management meeting and I was trying to answer, but was still a bit fuzzy from my midnight party so I just sat there looking busy and hoped it would go away

I then decided that what I really want to do is work at my favourite grocery store as a shelf stacker….or maybe a check out girl. But the way my life goes I will probably end up managing all the yahoos like I do now.

How can I get paid for NO responsibility? Surely this is possible. Alex says if I do something uncomplicated but REALLY dangerous, that those jobs are pretty well paid. But I don’t really want to deep sea dive off an oil rig or have to clean the nuclear power plant.

Ug…screw it….I’ll just keep playing the lottery. I am sure that will work out eventually.

I drank myself a virus

On Saturday night I went to the last night of the Proms in Hyde Park for my great friend's leaving party. I came with a backpack full of beer and wine and snacks. I was completely unprepared for how bonkers it was going to become. As my neighbor explained it: it is an excuse for middle class people to get drunk together. Phew...no shit. I was actually approached by a lady on the tube on my way home who told me I needed to get it together - and that I was a mess.

Yeah, I could have told you that.

Needless to say I was a little worse for wear on Sunday, all my muscles ached, I ate McDonalds, I went to bed early...I was REALLY tired.

So in the middle of the night last night (Sunday) I woke up thinking I was going to puke...totally nausious. I should mention that I think I would rather saw off a digit than be nausious...it is the worst. So that teamed with the sore muscles which are a bit unexplained, except that the backpack was REALLY heavy, and I am not at all fit, was not a good combo. There wasn't alot of sleep going on...just me rolling around trying not to wake up Alex and feeling sorry for myself and then having short really intense dreams that left me sweating and trying to remember what was real. So - good fun, really.

And then when it was finally time to get up, about 2 minutes later, I was properly ill. Like thought I had the flu, and could only sip ginger ale (thank the good Lord for Ginger Ale) and couldn't think strait. I called in sick and then helped get he kids ready-ish. Really I just barked some orders in their general direction: eat your breakfast, brush your teeth, go to school...so helpul, I know.

So I go back to bed and Alex is working from home and I finally get up around 3 and he says with love only I can hear: You know, if you hadn't drunk so much, then your immune system wouldn't be weakened. That's why your sick. It's probably just a 24 hour thing.

And then he left.

Almost like a big hug, really.

maybe I can write this funny

I have just had a complete meltdown in the bath because it went cold...well, it was partly because it went cold and partly because I thought my husband was looking after the kids but instead I could hear him playing video games.

REALLY??? How old are you?

I have completely married a 12 year old and given birth to 2 of his children. Am I a paedophile? Am I like that teacher who had that ongoing affair with her student. I just tried to Google her name, but there are about 500 of these people apparently, so at least I'm not alone. Maybe we could start a club for people who cry in the bath because they can't believe they are dating boys barely approaching puberty.

It feels like if turn my back for 30 seconds then he is off...down the hall he goes (not down the pub...at least that is somewhere I would want to go hang with him) but down the hall with his 12 year old online friends, playing video games. Wherefore I become a mom of 3...

I have told him this makes me crazy, he knows. And if I start walking down the hall, he throws down the controller like it was last months issue of Jugs, and comes up the hall like he was 'just on his way anyway and what's the big dea and I should get over myself'.

And to be honest, I wish it didn't bother me and I wish that I had some adolescent activity that I went to do alone, like making up a dance to the latest Debbie Gibson top 40 single in front of my mirror...or maybe cutting up my Seventeen magazine to make collages for the football players before the big middle school playoff.

But i don't.

So my next tactic was trying to do things he would like...I tried to look nice, and clean up the house and bake for him...I tried to watch Top Gear...I even tried to watch F1 racing. That was exciting...on the sofa, alone, watching cars drive around. Whooppee.

So as a last ditch effort before I absolutely go to town on the PS3 in the night with an ice pick, I thought I would write about it and see if it became funny this way. I'm still feeling teary, and annoyed, and frustrated, and totally totally like a big loser, but there you go.

Maybe I'll get a boyfriend ...who's like 17 and drives his dad's use Buick, and at least we can make out in the back seat.


PS - I waited to publish this because I wanted to make sure I wasn't being too harsh...and right now he is sitting with our 2 year old building a puzzle...and I didn't even have to ask. So it isn't all bad...this is after I told him that I was going to take an ice pick to that bloody machine though...

Pigeon death

We have a cat named Giles.

Giles is typical in that he comes to you when he is hungry and then sits in my spot on the bed for most of the day.

He also brings us the odd woodland creature. Sometimes your pet needs a pet...for a while at least until he challanges the creature to a very uneven fight to the death. Giles has yet to lose. He must have had training somewhere before we adopted him.

So this morning, per usual, Catherine comes into our room to get us up. At this point if we are both still in bed and Alex hasn't escaped to work at some un-Godly hour, there is a bit of an unspoken battle called: 'Who can pretend be asleep the longest.'

This morning I knew I was going to win after I heard Catherine say:

'Daddy, there is a poo in the hallway'

And Alex replied 'I am sure it isn't a poo.'

And Catherine insisted 'It IS a poo daddy, come and see.'

And Alex stalled 'Do you think mommy or I pooed in the hallway last night?' The answer was an emphatic 'NOOOOOO daddy! Come and SEEEEEEEEE!'

All this time, I am under the covers making sure to keep my breathing slow and steady ... and basically trying not to giggle.

So Alex gets up and this is what I hear:

'SEEEEEEE Daddy a poo!'

'That is not a poo Catherine, that is the remains of a pigeon.'

'Is it dead?'

'Yes.'

'How did it die?'

'Giles killed it.'

'Oh. I touched it.'

'Well then, please go wash your hands.'

'Ok.'

I am starting to think we need to get a bouncer for the cat flap.

And then there was a bit of commotion with a plastic bag and Alex swearing at the pigeon remains I assume, as I was still practising my deep breathing and remembering the dream I had about Bon Jovi before all this excitement happened.

I am leaving off the background soundtrack that is Stuart screaming for someone to come and get him...as that is pretty much a given every morning and so I have learned to tune it out.

At this point I think I definitely need to post this on Facebook as it is just too good not to share. Out from under the covers, I reach for my phone. Once the phone is in hand, the 'I am still sleeping game' is pretty much over. It doesn't take Alex long to come and stand over me looking pretty put out and says in a loving tone only I can hear 'Get up.'

Turns out Giles left us the head, a wing and the carcass and that Alex listened to him eat it for about an hour starting at 4am which means that he is way better than I am at the 'pretending to be asleep' game.

Maybe I need to get some tips.

Children's Birthday parties and alcoholism

Although I had not planned it this way, my children's birthday parties seem to come with copious amounts of alcohol. I assume that my thinking is entertain the adults as well as the kids.

This past Sunday my daughter had her 5th birthday party. We hired the biggest bouncy castle we could find, ordered 3 dozen homemade cupcakes, ordered pizzas, hung helium balloons and had pink party bags full of fabulous plastic bits that will get stuck in hoovers for years to come. It also came with a case of champagne, a case of white wine and a case of beer. By the end of the night we had one birthday girl in tears of exhaustion, one neighbour climbing the wall to get to home, one aunty who had lost the ability to speak and an entire 'lost and found' pile including handbags, coats, jumpers and shoes.
Plus I got an 'i am sorry I was drunk' email from one of the mothers the next day.

My mom tells the story of my 2nd or 3rd birthday when she and my dad hosted a 'pink' party. Everything was pink and they made one pitcher of pink lemonade for the kids and one pitcher of boozy pink punch (now referred to as Pink Panty Pull Downs) for the adults. According to my mother after the first round of 'juice' was served she lost track of which pitcher held which beverage and there was most certainly some tipsy toddlers running around. So maybe i come by this naturally.

I think I only have one party mode. So when it is a kids party – through in a bouncy castle and some cupcakes and we are there.